First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
