did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
