Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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