I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
