before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
