in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I supernannyed him into submission
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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