Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
