I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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