speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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