I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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