i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
