i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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