I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
