he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
