I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He did a backflip because drugs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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