I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
