You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
