I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
