so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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