A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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