Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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