So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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