I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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