Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
