I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
