Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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