I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize