He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
