Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
