Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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