and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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