Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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