i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize