I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
