I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
