just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
