Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So vagazzling was a success
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
