chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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