Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
