i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
