My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
