Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
