I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
