ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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