Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
