Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
