That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
