I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
