So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
