Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can text with my tongue
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
