toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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