Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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