Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
