I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
