youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hippo gnu deer
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
