I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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