areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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