Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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