I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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