if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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