Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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