Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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