if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
